August is Here...(Ramble, Ramble)

And I can't be more disappointed. August means the start of another school year and the countdown to my Nov. birthday. I gotta admit, I really expected something kind of amazing to happen to me this summer. Granted, I moved back home, but that was a really big deal. I know I probably read far too much fiction, but I feel like there is some magical, chemical reaction that occurs when you combine a really hopeful girl with a big change.

But really, playing devil's advocate, what did I really expect? I do, after all, live in West Bumblef*ck City, MS (the whole state's a bumblef*ck to be honest, and I say that in the most lovingly loyal way). I am living with my parents, working a job that is well, kinda boring, to be honest (though it is for a really good cause), and making my own clothes, constantly pining for glamour, love, excitement, travel - all things hardly associated with being an aspiring doctor in MS.

But what other choice do I have? I have just enough money in the bank to live somewhere rent-free, i.e. my childhood home. Even though I am saving money with the intent of venturing out on my own, I have no idea how long that will take. I may not get into any med school in the coming year, but right now my best bet is the one down the street from my parents' house...which will trap me here a minimum of another four years.

Le sigh.

I tried out for America's Next Top Model this summer too, with this idealistic hope that if I at least went in there and was confident, was myself, they might see in me that "thing" I have always hoped was there but was never quite certain of. You know, the "thing" that would make everything worthwhile, that would put me up there with Tyra and Heidi and Iman and Giselle, saying "I used to be teased about my height/thinness/breasts/legs, but look at me now!" And, perhaps that is incredibly shallow.

Maybe it is really sad to want that kind of validation, especially in a business that tears people down so frequently. For some strange reason, I feel I can handle it. For my entire life I have dealt with people who would be so cruel they would try (and often succeed) at reducing me to tears, so why not get paid major bucks for it, be in and around the fashion I love so much, and let other little girls see: "She's not conventionally pretty, but she is unique and beautiful...maybe I am too." I am a product of my environment in some ways. For as much as I enjoy being different and like to think of myself as deep or introspective or whatever (haha, just like that), part of me wants to be admired, emulated, enjoyed, and celebrated by people who have no need to, who have no reason to or connection to me outside of being human just like me. Beauty is fleeting, and fame is even more difficult to keep, but something in me keeps drawing me there.

This fork in the road I stand before...how can two paths be so different? To be honest I almost feel kind of ashamed for wanting to model. My parents are such distinguished intellectuals and I have been such the academic achiever it feels like a slap in the face to want to do anything outside of the cookie cutter realm of doctor-lawyer-teacher-scientist. Whenever any adult (defined as: older than me) asks me what I am going to do, I never say, "Well I feel equally pulled towards being a doctor and a model." I always say, "I am trying to get into medical school." Not that I am not actively trying to go, but I find it ironic since I usually say that for appearance's sake, rather than the truth, which is that I am trying to move forward in both to see which one will tip the scales in or out of its favor. The thing is, both require a lot of time and effort, and I worry that if I dedicate myself solely to one, I might be miserable, realize I made the wrong decision, and too much time may have passed for me to go back and try the other.

It's funny (not really). I used to be quite smug about 20-something rich brats trying to "find themselves" since I planned out my life at about age 10. Now I am just like them (minus the rich part) and in fact, at a disadvantage since they were never sure about their career paths in the first place. Being the perfectionist I (often) am - not counting my grammar skills now since I am rambling - my biggest fear is to make a mistake in something so crucial, and I know that's not the best way to approach the situation.

As you can see, I am not exactly at a loss for words, but to sum it up: I know exactly where I am yet I have never felt so lost in my whole life.