Friday, September 26, 2008

Down the Rabbit Hole...

I started this post over a month ago, but abandoned it midway through. I rethought it, because it seemed kind of mean...

Eh, whatever. I'll be vague.

Instead of ending up in the tangible manifestation of an acid trip called Wonderland, though, I ended up in the land of the Vain & Vapid, girls who appear to be uniform in personality although they look nothing alike.

Seriously. My day was filled with the type of shallowness that can't be taught in pageant/modeling classes, imitated from movies like Mean Girls, or gleaned from hanging around (some?) celebrities. This has to be congenital. I mean, there's no way anyone can act like what I've seen here today without having honed such a singular dimension to a gleaming sharpness. And, this is from a female who has Vogues scattered across her floor, owns Sex and the City DVDs, and gabs about fashion with the passion of a political pundit covering the 2008 election. I'm not exactly (insert deep musician here), reading (insert famous Russian author) and quoting (insert famous philosopher) while donating my time to actively (stop female genital mutilation/fight genocide in Darfur/build homes in war-torn countries/etc).* As a matter of fact, just last week I said Toni Morrison wrote The Color Purple (BLASPHEMY!) when it was Alice Walker (DUH).

We all have our "blond moments" (no offense to blondes, since every hair color/race has its assclowns). However, I have never met anyone I would want to call a bubble-head before now. I can't let this happen again. My very life (and the bloodlessness of any nearby blunt objects) depends on it. Granted, the shallow never actually recognize themselves as such - perhaps this means that the fact that I question my superficiality nullifies it (in that way where crazy people never think they are crazy, because they are too busy being crazy, so if you wonder if you are crazy you couldn't possibly be crazy - ok shutting up now...)? Here are some things I have to share for anyone not questioning their possible lack of depth after observing the Vain & Vapid:

  1. Oil build-up on your make-up during the day should not be discussed with the same graveness and sobriety as the events of 9/11, the "war on terror", or the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.
  2. Hair weave does not deserve the same careful planning, funding, and deliberation as plans for universal healthcare.
  3. No, I don't think wearing a size 4 now instead of a 2 means it is time for you to hit the gym. If 5 pounds were all it took to get you to the size 4, you weren't really a 2 to begin with. And, that's okay.
  4. It's not all right to hang out with "ugly girls" because they make you feel more secure.
  5. No, I have never skipped class because my hair was "busted".
  6. Facebook/Myspace are not as reputable as/equivalent to, or even
  7. Facebook/Myspace are not really meant for you to become the Tyra Banks of your own Next Top Model competition.
  8. Twenty-five is not fucking old.
  9. Thirty is not fucking old.
  10. No, I do not agree that McDonald's employees would be more pleasant if they had cuter outfits.
  11. It's not the 50's. You aren't "too late" if you get married at 28. People live relatively longer, now that we (most of us) know smoking really is bad for us. And, you seem like the type to one day embrace a syringe full o' Botox.
*Note: I took a Russian short stories class and found it to be slightly lower on my boredom list than watching my siblings do their homework, and I do like classic novels, and participate in walks, awareness rallies, and protests, but like most middle-class "do-gooders", I have only been out of the country on vacation, not to lie down in front of tanks or bring well water to people fighting malaria. I have great respect for those who can do such serious and risky things. I am just honest about my (lack of) experience.

Remember Mondos?

I just got the earwig song from the commercial trapped in my head. How, you ask? Oh, you didn't. Well, that's all right, I'll tell you anyway.

I was looking at this post on ONTD, my favored among my guilty pleasures (they are just so deliciously ee-vull! It's like Gossip Girl, manifested in a LiveJournal, about celebs and pseudo-celebs rather than upper East-siders). I am pretty sure if you could be arsed to click the link, you clicked away immediately. I understand, it's incredibly difficult to give a shit that Chris Brown is making drawz, whoop-te-do. But please note that it's 1 am here, and my facsimile of a sham of a life has a self-enforced curfew of about 10 pm (again, I live in Mississippi, yeesh, stop having me explain that) which leaves me with about 3 or four hours of fat-ass'ed (3 syllables, like Shakespeare...classy, no? Classy, yes.) laziness. That is, if I haven't collapsed into unconsciousness from the weight of my full life (sarcasm, for the new).

So, I took the time to read about Chris Brown's panty line for dudes. It's gonna be called Big-Headed. No, really.

Yeah. (Insert obligatory Rihanna forehead joke here...I'm lazy. You understand).

Anyway, after wasting 4 minutes of my life (thank God I wasn't using those to save the world), including reading comments, I laughed, and said, "Well, Chris, it's your world."

That's all it took. I uttered those three words, and launched into the Mondo jingle, full blast. I can't even believe I remember the damned thing. Be warned, this commercial sucks big hairy ones even by 90's standards, but it would come on during every episode of Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Rugrats, All That, and any other kids show I was watching.

Oh, you'll see Jennifer Morrison (Cameron) from House in the commercial (weird!).

Mondos used to be the main drink in my lunch box, especially in summer and on field trips. The Kool-Aid juices were ten times better, but these were cheaper (why? Kool-Aid where I'm from conjured up images of you growing up poor in the hood), so these would be the ones in my mom's shopping cart on grocery days. These were the times of Ramen noodles, Vienna sausages, and fried baloney (sure, there was bologna, but we had baloney), so I didn't know to be embarrassed by them until middle school, when everyone was drinking Hi-C's (remember the Ghostbusters flavor?) and Capri Suns in the trendy silver pouches, or just buying sodas. Yeah, so I was ashamed of my Mondos, and my mom eventually stopped buying them in favor of the Capri Suns. Since I rarely look at individually packaged juices in the store, I have no idea if they are still around. Dumb as this post is, I just got a touch of nostalgia (sounds like a disease), when my cousins and I would drink 2 or 3 of one flavor each in a sitting just to get our tongues to turn purple or blue or whatever.

By the way, I always wondered if Mondo meant "world" in any language. If not, the damn catch phrase/jingle makes no sense.

Happy birthday, Ari B.! :-D

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Humble Me

I joke a lot, but there is nothing more sobering to me than a reversal of roles between parent and child. That happened to me today, when my dad had some (minor) surgery. My mom had to work, and I had time free, so I volunteered to be his "nurse" for the day. He was heavily sedated, so I had to help get him to awaken. The sedative the anesthesiologist administered had a lingering effect of forgetfulness, too. It was as if I were seeing my dad with a degenerative disease, like Alzheimer's. He asked me the same questions repeatedly, but I didn't mind in the least. Where my dad would often agitate me, particularly in conversation, I had the utmost patience and concern for him. I just felt this overwhelming sense of sadness for those people who experience that with their parents, their providers/caretakers, everyday. It's really weird, but when I had to help him put on his shoes, I noticed that his toenails were in serious need of grooming, and I could see blue spider veins winding up the pallid, translucent skin of his feet. That's when it dawned on me that my father is getting old. I nearly broke down in tears right there. I have seen my father as strong, aggressive, ageless, almost omnipotent, practically omniscient, from the moment I knew to appreciate him. A father of two from our church died from a heart attack about a month ago, and he wasn't even 45. My father is nearing 70. When I see him sleeping, I fight the urge to check his breathing. I am certainly grateful for every moment we have had together, but I still can't imagine life without him. I hope I won't have to anytime soon. I love him, and selfishly want him to be around for my wedding - which is so far from prospective right now - and to at least see my first (only?) child. I can only pray that the future is not too far off in another direction.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Things to Do...Before Age 22

I will be 22 in less than three months. I concede that I have idealistic, romantic notions about birthdays, cities, relationships, and well, life in general, but aside from graduating college and spending time with my fabulous family, my 21st year on Earth sucked some hairy donkey balls. It amazes me how much time I have frittered away lamenting, regretting, pining, whining, vegging, and just basically being a 5'10, 140-pound waste of displaced air. One of my best friends said that if you want things to happen to you that have never happened before, your best bet is to do things you have never done. So, I will try to take on a new attitude this fall and get the fuck up and out of my rut. I've noticed I respond really well to making lists because of the giddy pride I get out of scratching tasks off as I complete them, so here goes.

I really want to:

  • Take a fun trip outside of the state, and spend no more than 8 hours each day in wherever I am sleeping.
  • Find 5 new things to do in my city.
  • Take care not to neglect my friends.
  • Finish an article of clothing from scratch.
  • Finish writing a chapter-sectioned story.
  • Meet 5 new people.
  • Get to 100 posts on my blog.
  • Act on impulse rather than second guess myself. (Kind of like George Costanza doing the opposite of what he normally did on Seinfeld)
  • Smile even when I am all alone.
  • Reconnect with at least 5 old friends.
  • Be in Las Vegas (if affordable :-/) on or near my birthday. (This could count as my trip!)
  • Try out for something I normally wouldn't.
  • Finish my medical school secondary applications.
  • Vote.
  • Save at least $1000 dollars between now and then. (It sort of conflicts with Vegas, hahaha, I know.)
  • Make two more stock investments (under advisement...the market's been kind of rough).
  • Read a classic book. (I suck them up like water in dry sponges.)

That's all I can think of at the moment, but I think these goals are lofty enough. In light of my new attitude, I will say (type) with confidence that I can make all of these happen.


My guess is, I should stop being some perfection-striving basket case, and just write whatever I want. That might keep me motivated to post.

Anywhatsit, I have questions. They don't need answers or anything, in fact, knowing me, I may just answer them myself...just putting it out there in the universe.

1. Why did Christina Aguilera fashion herself into Lady Gaga/Britney Spears-the-remix at the VMAs? I thought that we Christina fans admired her for her pipes/shrieking and her need to sing live pretty much no matter what. "Keeps Getting Better" sounds like the opposite of what I saw last night...more like "Keeps Selling Out".

2. Why did anyone ever call Christina "X-tina"? I get the play on Christmas/X-mas. But if you were gonna be accurate, wouldn't it be X-ina? If it's X-Tina, we could also call Chris Brown "X Brown". And that's dumb.

3. Why am I such a huge fan of ellipses? ...I blame my Chrisboyfriend.

4. Who decided "moonmen" are a comeback for Britney Spears? Moonmen are irrelevant. That's like Kraft Foods sponsoring an alcohol intervention for Shia LaBeouf. Yeah, that didn't make much sense to me either.

5. Why on EARTH am I not at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week?

6. Why can't I be INVOLVED in Mercedes Benz Fashion Week?

7. Has no one ever shown Rihanna a YouTube video of herself performing?

8. Why is any place allowed to call itself a city and not have activities for the 18-25 age set other than bowling or gambling?

9. Doesn't it seem slightly off-putting how practically everyone in Hollywood (music, tv, film) has "done it" with each other? It's like that Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game...but with STDs and pregnancies involved.

10. What would it be like to meet my mirror opposite?

11. How did my half brother get. So. Damn. Fat?

12. What is Josh Peck doing...right this second?

13. Why is it so hard for me to finish almost everything? I swear I am so half-ass - only because I work so hard at first that I just lose momentum and concentration after a while.

14. Is it possible I have adult onset ADHD?

15. Where's the damn remote to my camera?

16. Is Keri Hilson's album going to come out? And if it ever does, will anyone care?

17. See question #16, insert "Teedra Moses".

18. Where have all the cowboys gone?

19. Why are you still reading this?