I wrote this on facebook like almost 2 years ago....

I can't believe it's relevant still. Dating's all well and good, can really be fun, but I just get bored. So. Damn. Easily. Same sh*t, different face, really.

Ok so...now what?
Saturday, February 24, 2007 at 2:04am | Edit Note | Delete
I have just, literally, just finished a book entitled "He's Just Not That Into You", a #1 New York Times best-seller, most likely because of the name dropping the authors do (one is a writer and the other a consultant, both for the cult hit show Sex and the City, which I adore). And I feel like the people in those nowwhat.com commercials (which I still kinda don't get) where some crazy shit happens to them and all they can do is stare. That's all I can really ask: now what?

I wouldn't really say I had a revelation so much as was finally actually able to put what I knew all along into words after reading the book. I would love to say that I felt as carefree and relieved as Sex and the City character Miranda Hobbs did when she discovered the mantra-cum-title. There are no mixed messages...men sometimes don't say what they mean, but they sure as hell do what they mean. They don't wanna say it to our faces because, well most men are total pussies when it comes to dealing with women's (or anyone's for that matter) emotions. I should take pride in the idea that I am emotionally stronger or whatever...it's empowering.

But, it wasn't really empowering...in fact it was downright depressing. Despite the fact that more than half of the book was written by a man, every page shouted at me just how much men are assholes and how desperate women can be pining away after them. This book tells me not to settle, but in the same breath admits that I won't have much luck finding my dream man because all guys are fucked up in some way or another about relationships. So now what?

All of these fucked up guys exist simply because women do settle, and accept the bare minimum in a relationship. I won't say I haven't been guilty of it (even in non-romantic relationships). I am sweet to a fault...I see some good in people and then I think if I am kind enough to them and love them enough, the good will overpower the bad, love will prevail, they will change their ways, and there'll be rainbows and butterflies and sun rays and music and buck-toothed bunnies and all that other happy-go-lucky bullshit. And no matter how often I get the cold splash of reality on my face that life doesn't work that way, I keep trying. My dad once said that was arrogant of me, and I guess I agree. What do I possibly think there is about MY love that will melt cold hearts? Open minds? Create peace? Get me loved in return? You can't force anyone into loving you, but you can't love anyone into loving you either. People rarely change, but your expectations often do. (cliche enough?)

So what do I do now? I am single and young. These should be the best years of my life. I have often been accused of being way too analytical and worried about things that are irrelevant at the time or out of my control. However, I am not sure I can categorize myself as a normal 20-year old. While outwardly I may seem to have lived a sheltered/protected life, still the things I have seen and experienced have affected me somehow...it's hard to explain, and the heart wants what it wants I suppose. Pursuits of some of my peers don't seem to interest me like I worry they should. I feel like an anomaly of my generation in some ways...like a 40-year old in a 20-year old's body or something...totally misunderstood. I am rarely attracted to nor do I attract guys my own age; not that it matters because what they are usually interested in I am not willing to give.

Well whatever, I have digressed so much that I don't even remember what my point was in the first place. I have all these thoughts in my head all the time, it's incredible that I can fit anything else into it. I have yet to meet a guy who is the Trifecta: stimulating Intellectually, Physically, and Emotionally...a man to infiltrate the mind, body, and spirit. Are there any? Maybe not...not according to this book anyway: search for Mr. Right, but remember he doesn't really exist, except in rarity? Come on... But you know what? Maybe I asked for this; maybe we all did. I have always wanted a man to be truthful...maybe the truth is "the good ones" are out there, but few and far between and getting snatched up by the second, by those both deserving and undeserving. I find myself in a paradox: I don't miss my current ex-boyfriend, but I miss the idea of him. He was a good man in theory, just not in practice. He fit a checklist, but it came together in a pretty undesirable way off-paper. I don't want a boyfriend, but I do want to be wanted. Does any of this even make sense? Well, it makes sense early in the morning...maybe not later.